fall so far

so far fall quarter has been okay. we've both got a sculpture class and a french lit class together. she has a basic math class and i have a physical anthropology class. we are doing our portfolio reviews this quarter also. that's a little stressfull. if we pass, we get to move on into taking mostly studio classes and if not then they kind of either recommend a different emphasis or kick you out or something. i don't know if i quite have enough work that i feel like i want to use for it. money is of course an issue keeping me from getting some more work done between now and then. also our computers are not doing great, they are getting old and each has different quirks and problems.

it is nice each having our own art studio here at home. mine kinda still looks like i just moved in, but i'll get to working on the room after the review. amber's studio looks awesome of course, it is super comfy in there and a nice place to chill. our nice little front rooms is currently serving as a tool and supply room, while the attic loft is a giant living room / dining room / play space. hopefully the front room will get transformed into something more comfy or useful and we can figure something out in part of the upstairs.

i've been playing music again in the last couple of days. singing too. it's nice, as i haven't really done much of it for a while, certainly not acoustic and most certainly no singing. amber's been playing a lot all summer and fall. i've been playing with her on occasion. i started playing on my own again after a really inspiring dream that i had. i don't have dreams of playing and singing on a stage ever, really, so it definitely stuck out to me as important.

i'm so glad we went on our journey this summer. so much has changed. its like i just know everything is gonna be okay- even that it's all gonna be great. it was certainly one of the best things we have ever done we both agree. i have some journal writings / scribblings from the road and from just thereafter that i will sort of go back and post into their proper time/date as best as my memory serves.

i want to go see monsters of folk somewhere this fall. jim james and conor oberst are both major influences and inspirations for me and i just think a quick trip to new york (or philadelphia) would be worth it. i actually would be okay with going to philadelphia to see them and then trying to go to new york and spend a week in december. i suppose it will be cold there but i'm sure that it is best i know such things. portland is just the same. sf will be warm and sunny, but right now i'm more interested in the other two and besides it is beyond our means, but then again so is everything. saw the flaming lips a few weeks ago down the street here at promowest. we got right up front of the stage, and wayne made such a magical show for us all. i'm glad we went. hopefully we can get on the road again soon and pay an overdue visit to some friends in west virginia. our car is getting a little old to be making the trip, but as long as it isn't winter, it will probably do ok. i miss some of our old friends and wish it were easier for us all to get together. i also want to go hiking before all of the trees undress. we'll probably have to skip class one day to go, but i think it is only fair- we should be allowed to go to yellow springs and enjoy some of the autumn-- well it has been pretty grey and rainy as of late, so perhaps by the time we can go it will get nicer.

well off to bed. i've got quite a bit of plaster sculpting to do tomorrow, plus a printmakers exhibit-opening night and then a party at a friends house.

portland

2 nights ago slept in nm, then last night in so. cal. we barely made it. everything has just been so incredibly surreal, beyond words. tonight we gotta camp, tomorrow we'll come back into portland to explore.

late night ramblings from the road

taken from a notebook:

we're driving through Arkansas right now. I drive all the way from Columbus to Nashville yesterday. Amber took over after Nashville but we got tired about an hour before Memphis. we slept a little while (sort of) at a pilot travle center but we both were a little too restless and amber ended up taking us off around 5 or 5:30. same truckers followed us out of the gas station and literally ran us off the road, into a construction zone. The one kept trying to hit us from behind while the one in front blocked our way. He passed us and he was driving a 'covenent transport' truck- one of those crazy christian trucking co.'s -- fucker! whatever- anyways we were worried b/c he was got in front of us and then ducked right back off into a rest area, so we thought he was trying to get back behind us. we were worried to pull back over anywhere to try to sleep some more so we just jetted hoping to lose him, and we flew the hell right out of retched tennesee. a rest area in arkansas was really nice with a little flower garden and a giant spider, the sun risingm the mist settling, and the cuteness / pleasantness of everything here (minus the hair in my egg mcmuffin) makes for a really good morning :) hoping to be near or in California by tonight to sleep.

back on the road tomorrow

yes! we are leaving tomorrow morning, hitting the road. it seems so unreal still, but we are gathering up all of our money and packing a few changes of clothes, 2 pillows, 2 guitars, and peanut butter and jelly. we haven't gotten any music together for the trip as of yet, but that'll be on the todo list for tonite.

a journey

we are trying really hard to go on a very important journey. we both feel strongly that we must go on a vision quest to portland to see natasha khan, someone we both consider to be a sort of shaman. we've really been struggling to come up with enough money to make this happen, and we've been working our asses off. if we can make the money that we need, we will not be sleeping in hotels or eating even fast food. we are going to leave with just enough money to pay for gas. we'll sleep in the car: in the desert on the way there and outside the city when we get there. not sure what we will eat yet. we'll only have three days to get there and three to get back. we are truthfully not even sure that it is possible, but it seems that no matter how much it looks like it isn't going to work out, it still somehow seems like we are meant to go.

yellow springs, the spell

went to yellow springs yesterday and hiked and stuff. it was quite wonderful. got lost in the woods on the changing trails (as always) and found the edge of the fabled pine forest. we also found an enchanted looking tree. it was unlike all of the other trees, and was at the center of a ring of trees. upon finding our way out of the woods, we both felt our minds clearing. just like what connie said once about untagling wind chimes. i spotted a pretty large snake, as i seem to have an affinity for doing. walked the town in the sunset, had pizza and beer at the tavern, then went to peaches for an open mic. we haven't been to an open mic in a long time, particularly since the demise of vics. pretty sure it isn't quite the scene for us anymore, but there was a lot of good energy floating about the place, which was really good.

last night when we got back home i felt a lot of clarity, and i felt really inspired and motivated. i wanted to jump up today out of bed and get right to work on some art. when i got up today, i found myself getting overwhelmed with everything, everytime i tried to start on something. i have all the energy for it, but i seem to just keep jumping from thing to thing and spinning my wheels never really even getting a good start. this has been happening a lot lately. i think coming out of that intense quarter really has me overthinking everything that i approach to the point of paralysis. this makes it difficult to just begin doing anything, without much careful consideration... and probably an externally enforced deadline. i don't mind working like that from time to time, but i need to regain my spontaneity and just allow my self to be in the state of creation. the fact that i'm having trouble reaching this pure zen-like state makes the need for it to happen even greater. i must combat the spell that is upon me.

going to see the dead weather tonight!! its gonna be awesome.

oh no

they plowed over our backyard garden today. they cut almost everything down. they took the 12ft tall sunflowers, the morning glories, the day lillies, the moon flowers, the dianthus, tomato plants, a baby maple tree, a baby oak tree, etc etc etc. it looks like a vacant lot back there now. there is just a big open yard of dirt. they even tore down our lattice archway with the morning glories climbing around it. luckily, they left our bench swing, red chair, firepit, and lavender and clayomes (but only because we caught them in time and asked them to). i suppose it is at least a little more okay because i hadn't put as much into it this year as i had been the last couple of years, and we have some nice things growing out front as well. it's still pretty upsetting, though. they did it because we moved upstairs and some people are moving in downstairs and apparently they thought we 'didn't want any of that stuff back there anymore'. whatever. i guess we can plant some new stuff. it is rough seeing it like this though.

we're starting to get more settled in to our new place, trying to finish unpacking and rearranging. we're both pretty stoked about it all. things are kinda sprawling along on a different level. we're trying to do all kinds of things this summer, and maybe even take another trip. we're looking at sf, portland, or chicago. amber really wants to see bat for lashes.

tomorrow we're going to get our car back and hang out with my family for a bit, then amber's family for the afternoon / evening. i hope her mom's feeling better. she is deathly allergic to onions and accidentally ate something with a small amount of them today at a restaurant. i guess she got quite sick and her face swelled up but it wasn't bad enough to need to go to the hospital. i'm excited, though to hang out with her parents. we don't get to see them very often, and they've just recently bought a house and moved over to bucyrus. it's very nice and i think they really like having people over.

also tomorrow night the new harry potter movie will be coming out. i'm so super excited about it.

ooh off to bed for me, have to get up early.

the universe always says yes

wow
so we've been through some really hard times this spring. printmaking took all of our time even our sleep. we were pulling like 3-4 all nighters a week by the end and sleeping only a couple hours the remaining days. everywhere i looked somebody seemed to be saying something cynical, pessimistic, or offensive toward me. people around me seemed to have given up on their dreams, shrugging at their own unhappiness apathetically. everything seemed to be crashing down.

then i felt this really strong magical connection to this apartment upstairs and had a sort of vision of it. it became clear to me that we needed to let go of some things that were no longer working for us. amber wasn't so sure, but we did a reading and it was pretty clear there too, and we visited it again and she opened up to it. then just as i called to rent it out, someone else had put in an application on it, so it was reserved for them. we waited all weekend to see if the application would be denied or something. it was approved, so the people were going in to sign the lease that week... and we believe them to be frat boy types, throwing obnoxious football parties, shouting things like "yeah bro!", and drinking cheap domestic beer all over the lawn. bah! i was so confused as to why i would have such a feeling / vision. why would our reading even say specific things about it? why would we be presented with an opprotunity and then have the universe retract it??

in the midst of all this, i think we both felt pushed to a breaking point with the working and sleep deprivation. instead of a message of empowerment, i drew on my lithography plate a question of
'who is winning / losing' in a battle between me and the cynics (giant jagged rocks with mean faces, falling on my head). i tried to make it so that it was unclear whether i had some hidden internal superpower that would break the rocks or if they would simply crush me. i used sharpie. during the longh chemical process, something went awry and my image washed out considerably. the way it washed out, though was of particular interest. the image of me was almost completely gone, and the jagged edges of the rocks were no longer visible as dangerous things, but the faces in the rocks remained pretty clear. it was like a metaphor for my entire life at that point: the amswer to my question, i was losing. i was dissapearing. i printed it anyways, deciding that this was what was meant to show up, and deciding that the true expression had manifested itself onto the prints instead of my intended image.

as printmaking took more of our money, and it seemed almost impossible for the quarter to end, our financial state began to overshadow our bonnaroo plans. we wasted a few dollars on some lottery cards, hoping for a small sum. we had an impossible amount of work to do in a short time, no money, and we were both exhausted to the point of almost becoming ill. the sleep deprivation began producing hallucinations. the final critique for printmaking could also, we learned, not be moved as we had hoped and was scheduled for thursday morning from 10-6. we normally try to leave for bonnaroo wednesday night. we couldn't move it up even if everyone would have agreed on it, because there was so much work to be done, that moving it up even to wednesday would make all of this work completely impossible. we had to cancel our trip to west virginia, which we had been looking forward to. then, the week before finals week when we began trying to focus on the prize of bonnaroo, the transmission on our car went out. we were broke and barely had enough for the rent. we wouldn't have had much spending money as it was! we tried playing the scratch off lottery a few more times, hoping for just $500, to no avail.

we just kept our noses to the ground and worked on our final pieces and reflected, as suddenl;y, we felt really good about the artwork that we had made. amber and i really attained some new level of enlightenment about our own art through this whole experience! it feels so different!! suddenly it was like the sky opened up. the quarter ended, we somehow got all of our work done, and the mgmt for the apartment called us and said that those guys never came in and signed the lease- they strung them along for like 3 weeks, and then blew it off. we made arrangements to move there! :) everything seemed to be turning into this really positive thing! then, finally, money for bonnaroo did also fall out of the sky! i got a $1000 check in the mail from the accounting dept at the school because i had overpaid like a long time ago! we immediately rented a car and packed our things!

intuition says yes but the universe says no?

what the fuck
i'm lost
we'll find out for sure

almost done with school for the quarter. this one has been extremely rough- pulling 2 all nighters a week and only getting 3 hours of sleep the other nights... we've been really working hard. somehow no matter how much i want to complain about this, i feel this growing sense of accomplishment and that it will all be worth it. i feel like i've grown as an artist considerably and i think there is a new level that has been reached.

chris moved out from upstairs and we went up to roam about the empty space. i felt this strong, immediate connection with the energy there and i feel like i just want to move up there and leave this place behind. i think that as much as i love this apartment it doesn't work for me anymore. i talked to the property mgr and basically we wouldn't get charged an app fee or a deposit, and since we have a strong love for the magical back garden and porch and kitchen (which is really the ONLY thing that really works in this place for us), i feel like we can rent the whole house out for the summer, then let the downstairs go in late summer before school starts. i don't think amber is really eeling the same way about it, i think she doesn't want to let go of the back porch and kitchen at all, because she feels like she won't have anywhere to be- which is oddly how i feel now (especially with her need for isolation when she is making artwork or writing). there are sooooo many reasons why i think that the space would be more beneficial to us, both practical and metaphysical. i'm anxious, though, that the place will get rented out before we really have a chance to think about it or something and i'll have missed out on this opprotunity to make this major change (which i feel at this point is pretty necessary).

i've been trying to remember to post some of the work i've been doing on newroadcalling.com, but i've been so busy that i've only really posted the web art stuff i've done and nothing that amber has done. the summer will be good for getting all of this kind of stuff together, and also both of our portfolios, of course- both the ones for the BFA review we are doing in the fall as well as our personal portfolios.

this has been a really crazy month in particular, and i guess i don't really see it getting any easier. in fact i think i'm going to try and work as much as possible in th efree time left over, so that we'll have money for bonnaroo and potentially for rent on both apartments, should things work out that way. i think i can do it all- i've recently gained new confidence and understanding of what i'm capable of.