the universe always says yes

wow
so we've been through some really hard times this spring. printmaking took all of our time even our sleep. we were pulling like 3-4 all nighters a week by the end and sleeping only a couple hours the remaining days. everywhere i looked somebody seemed to be saying something cynical, pessimistic, or offensive toward me. people around me seemed to have given up on their dreams, shrugging at their own unhappiness apathetically. everything seemed to be crashing down.

then i felt this really strong magical connection to this apartment upstairs and had a sort of vision of it. it became clear to me that we needed to let go of some things that were no longer working for us. amber wasn't so sure, but we did a reading and it was pretty clear there too, and we visited it again and she opened up to it. then just as i called to rent it out, someone else had put in an application on it, so it was reserved for them. we waited all weekend to see if the application would be denied or something. it was approved, so the people were going in to sign the lease that week... and we believe them to be frat boy types, throwing obnoxious football parties, shouting things like "yeah bro!", and drinking cheap domestic beer all over the lawn. bah! i was so confused as to why i would have such a feeling / vision. why would our reading even say specific things about it? why would we be presented with an opprotunity and then have the universe retract it??

in the midst of all this, i think we both felt pushed to a breaking point with the working and sleep deprivation. instead of a message of empowerment, i drew on my lithography plate a question of
'who is winning / losing' in a battle between me and the cynics (giant jagged rocks with mean faces, falling on my head). i tried to make it so that it was unclear whether i had some hidden internal superpower that would break the rocks or if they would simply crush me. i used sharpie. during the longh chemical process, something went awry and my image washed out considerably. the way it washed out, though was of particular interest. the image of me was almost completely gone, and the jagged edges of the rocks were no longer visible as dangerous things, but the faces in the rocks remained pretty clear. it was like a metaphor for my entire life at that point: the amswer to my question, i was losing. i was dissapearing. i printed it anyways, deciding that this was what was meant to show up, and deciding that the true expression had manifested itself onto the prints instead of my intended image.

as printmaking took more of our money, and it seemed almost impossible for the quarter to end, our financial state began to overshadow our bonnaroo plans. we wasted a few dollars on some lottery cards, hoping for a small sum. we had an impossible amount of work to do in a short time, no money, and we were both exhausted to the point of almost becoming ill. the sleep deprivation began producing hallucinations. the final critique for printmaking could also, we learned, not be moved as we had hoped and was scheduled for thursday morning from 10-6. we normally try to leave for bonnaroo wednesday night. we couldn't move it up even if everyone would have agreed on it, because there was so much work to be done, that moving it up even to wednesday would make all of this work completely impossible. we had to cancel our trip to west virginia, which we had been looking forward to. then, the week before finals week when we began trying to focus on the prize of bonnaroo, the transmission on our car went out. we were broke and barely had enough for the rent. we wouldn't have had much spending money as it was! we tried playing the scratch off lottery a few more times, hoping for just $500, to no avail.

we just kept our noses to the ground and worked on our final pieces and reflected, as suddenl;y, we felt really good about the artwork that we had made. amber and i really attained some new level of enlightenment about our own art through this whole experience! it feels so different!! suddenly it was like the sky opened up. the quarter ended, we somehow got all of our work done, and the mgmt for the apartment called us and said that those guys never came in and signed the lease- they strung them along for like 3 weeks, and then blew it off. we made arrangements to move there! :) everything seemed to be turning into this really positive thing! then, finally, money for bonnaroo did also fall out of the sky! i got a $1000 check in the mail from the accounting dept at the school because i had overpaid like a long time ago! we immediately rented a car and packed our things!

intuition says yes but the universe says no?

what the fuck
i'm lost
we'll find out for sure

almost done with school for the quarter. this one has been extremely rough- pulling 2 all nighters a week and only getting 3 hours of sleep the other nights... we've been really working hard. somehow no matter how much i want to complain about this, i feel this growing sense of accomplishment and that it will all be worth it. i feel like i've grown as an artist considerably and i think there is a new level that has been reached.

chris moved out from upstairs and we went up to roam about the empty space. i felt this strong, immediate connection with the energy there and i feel like i just want to move up there and leave this place behind. i think that as much as i love this apartment it doesn't work for me anymore. i talked to the property mgr and basically we wouldn't get charged an app fee or a deposit, and since we have a strong love for the magical back garden and porch and kitchen (which is really the ONLY thing that really works in this place for us), i feel like we can rent the whole house out for the summer, then let the downstairs go in late summer before school starts. i don't think amber is really eeling the same way about it, i think she doesn't want to let go of the back porch and kitchen at all, because she feels like she won't have anywhere to be- which is oddly how i feel now (especially with her need for isolation when she is making artwork or writing). there are sooooo many reasons why i think that the space would be more beneficial to us, both practical and metaphysical. i'm anxious, though, that the place will get rented out before we really have a chance to think about it or something and i'll have missed out on this opprotunity to make this major change (which i feel at this point is pretty necessary).

i've been trying to remember to post some of the work i've been doing on newroadcalling.com, but i've been so busy that i've only really posted the web art stuff i've done and nothing that amber has done. the summer will be good for getting all of this kind of stuff together, and also both of our portfolios, of course- both the ones for the BFA review we are doing in the fall as well as our personal portfolios.

this has been a really crazy month in particular, and i guess i don't really see it getting any easier. in fact i think i'm going to try and work as much as possible in th efree time left over, so that we'll have money for bonnaroo and potentially for rent on both apartments, should things work out that way. i think i can do it all- i've recently gained new confidence and understanding of what i'm capable of.

almost 5 in the morning

its nearly 5 in the morning and ive just arrived home from the studio at the school... again. this is getting insane i do not know when we will ever get some sleep. it is like week after week after week, just project after project. we pulled a genuine all nighter for our last printmaking project, working for 29 straight hours and then returning home at 10 AM to shower and go straight back up to class for the critique. this one seems worse because we've already stayed up this late tonight, and we've each got a tremendous amount of work to go. the crit is friday at 1130am. i have not even mixed inks yet let alone put any colors down, and weve got drawing project and sketchbooks due for our drawing class at 530pm today(thurs). since we have stayed up so late working tonight i don't know if i will have the steam to do the same tomorrow (although i must). and then we must work hard this weekend b/c we are short on the rent, and then we have a critique next wednesday for our web art class. too much... not cool.

sp qtr

we have studio classes every week day this quarter until 830pm except fri we get off at like 230. apparently our printmaking class is both extremely expensive and extremely time consuming. we are supposed to spend an extra 15-20 hrs a week outside of class working in the printmaking studios (not sure when we'll have time for that since we are basically in class all day every day but whatever). i guess we have some time on tuesday and thursday mornings to work on stuff. i'm excited about that class though, as we'll be learning tons of stuff like papermaking, lithography, screenprinting, etc etc etc. also we have a class that is sort of like web design combined with conceptual art. we are using the web as a medium for creating conceptual art, so for example interactive flash stuff, etc. tonite we have a life drawing class... you know the stereotypical nude figure drawing art school class. it'll be good as i've never been super great at drawing figures any other way than gesturally. plus i know amber will benefit because it'll be easier for her to sketch out her fashion and clothing designs. all of our classes are pretty exciting & definitely all going to be a lot of work. i got some more freelance work doing promo and live photos for a band. good to see that my portfolio is impressive to somebody. actually i think that i do a damn good job, and i don't have any trouble getting work when someone actually loks at my stuff, but perhaps i just am no good at networking - i don't know all of the right people like some folks. perhaps i need to learn how to be more sociable and charismatic. i don't know. i'm working on it. oh, we also found a model who needs promo photos done as well, and she'll probably be good to use in concept projects and such. she seems allright, has alternative / eclectic style, likes costume, and is not prudish. should work out just fine.

my mom is already asking me about grad school after this. i think she's worried we will be taking off too far away. she suggested cincinatti, but i know that we will not be staying in ohio. we havent really looked into a specific school but we're pretty much decided on where we are going. we haven't really gotten in to explaining this to our families or anything yet, because i'm not sure they would really understand at this point. amber's family thinks that columbus is too big a city and that we will be moving back to where they live when we are done with school here. i don't know why. my family thinks that we will stay here in columbus and get reasonable paying / somewhat-art-related jobs. i don't know why. i'm sure they would all be quick to point out that bigger cities cost a lot and that we already just scrape by here and that we will be far away from everyone, etc etc. we need to go where our careers/futures are both existant and respected, though. even in columbus people don't look at art (or music) as a real career. they think it is a hobby. so many people here just don't seem to care about anything. there are a few who do, but no matter how cool or amazing of a thing anyone does here, no one cares and everyone is super broke and defeated and they want to just sit and watch television and do what is comfortable. people outside of the village and campus are intolerant, prejudiced, and narrow minded- and we often forget that. columbus is cool but it's still ohio, i guess. anyway-

i'm getting new contacts and a pair of glasses on thursday. this is quite excellent because i havent been able to see properly now for a few months, having lost my glasses in abner the stationwagon years ago shortly before moving to canada, and also having just used up my last pair of contact lenses in december until they were not usable any longer and began scratching my eyes. since i am getting new glasses, i will be cutting my hair off a few weeks earlier than i usually would have. but it is okay. it is time anyway. speaking of hair, amber had me comb out most of the reat of her dreads the other night. we have been combing them out for a few weeks now (it is a long, difficult, painful process), but i just did the 9 on top this weekend. she has all straight hair except for three or four hiding underneath. i'm going to dye her roots for her today. i think she is pretty upset that she went ahead and took the top dreads out and wants me to put them back in. she does not want to look plain and she really liked having mostly straight hair around underneath and then the dreads around over top. ...... well she just kind of came bounding in and told me she's embracing her straight hair. she's trying on hats in the other room and playing with her hair and seems to be having a good time taking photos and such. she hasn't cried about her dreads at all today either. i guess we will see what she does ;)

ok that is all

finals

we have another final this afternoon and one tomorrow morning. we are not used to this since we are used to having studio work and finishing projects for critiques. studying is boring! i'm not good at memorization either, but we're almost through it all, and tomorrow night we celebrate!

almost spring

yayy- almost spring
wow a couple of weeks ago i felt like I was being stirred around by a giant supernatural spoon. now i think i'm definitely feeling the earth move beneath me. of course this is not necessarily bad- certainly changes are beginning- and changes are always good unless you try and fight them.

dreadful winter is finally over with and spring is starting to peek out. i want to enjoy all of the time we have left here in columbus, and i'm glad that we probably only have one or two more of these ohio winters before we are out of here. spring summer and fall we can deal with just fine, but winter is i'm trying not to get too anxious and live in the future or anything but i'm super excited about new york. i also know that we're not quite ready for it probably yet anyways, as we hardly utilize whats in the city around us, but hopefully we'll be doing more of that- i think were doing more of it already this year. anyways its still wonderful to think about and inspiring for me to enjoy the now as well.

i think maybe were going to skullys tonite and ravari on sat for the clampdown which was pretty cool last time. i've been wondering about going to ravari like next week b/c jacob and phil (& 2 others) are doing a weezer tribute show which will undoubtedly be awesome as everything they do is, but im still not sure what i think about it- guess ill just feel it out.

anyways glad this qtr is pretty much over. too much academic stuff! i'll be glad to get back to doing studio work :) and its getting to be much more fun and interesting and beneficial for us b/c we are getting so much deeper into the program that we are now into the more advanced classes and whatnot.

anyways im feeling pretty cheerful

at skullys the other night

80s music rules

so were about a month into the new year. i wanted really for some things to change this year. i wanted that last year too, and they did, although maybe not in the same ways i hoped or expected. this past year was really pretty full of surprises. many of the good, some bad, many interesting (but hard to say whether good or bad- maybe both).

got new phones

We got new fones after like 5 years of having these old dinosaurs. I'm posting this from my phone to see how well it works.

break

time for winter break. classes are over. this quarter was quite enjoyable. if only they could all be. next quarter may be a bit of a drag = no art classes. we couldnt sign up for classes because i hadnt paid all my tuition still (technically amber could have signed up but she waited for me). so now we are stuck taking some of our general eds. spring quater is gonna be the bomb tho. well do the opposite and take all art studio classes. were gonna try to get in a painting class with rob who we had for color theory this time.

Tonight.

Joy. I'm completely taken aback. As I watched him speak to a crowd of a million people I knew this was one of the most significant moments in my life. I have ever been as proud of my country as I am tonight. Watching Barack Obama speak I knew that he really was someone I could believe in- and I truly do- not just as a politician- but as a person who I believe cares about people- everyone including myself, my wife, my neighbors, my family, everyone I'll ever meet, everyone. I watched him speak strongly and eloquently about unity, and my streaming tears spoke as loudly as my smile, and still I couldnt speak a word.

I'm so happy that our country can now take a new direction, to move on past the divisive, hurting society that Amber and I have had to live in for our entire adult lives. This is the dawning of a new hope for this country.

I'm so proud of my country and of people everywhere. This moment has inspired me greatly- not just because he won, but because the people all around me have stood up and made it happen. I am proud of my peers, my elders, and all of the youth out there especially. Their voices and their minds and their hearts have opened and shed light on a dark time, filling it with a new hope. When we act with love, we truly can do anything.

"Yes we can."

psocial

going to a psocial tonite that andrew of mas bagua is putting on. its going to be on north campus. theyve got the aha collective and mas bagua playing and there is going to be raw food and oh man. we've got some chocolates from the deej. gonna be a crazy night

...reading and nervousness

holy shit man another show tonite! oh man when the thing started it was crazy- the cat that went up before us was real mellow and kinda like jack johnson-ish or maybe whats his name [ john mayer ] anyways i felt like we were gonna go up there and blast everyones ears compared t o him because everyone was chillin listening to his mellow accoustic groove and we were gonna be all loud. neither of us were nervous before hand. setting up the gear, i plugged everything in and since there wasn't a sound guy (pete was busy in the back cooking) the board had the vocal all the way up from the last dude- the mellow soft spoken one, but amber's pedal board was set too loud for it and it SCREEECH fed back like crazy! i freaked and ripped the cord out and was actually so embarrassed for the 1st couple songs that i almost couldn't hardly play. about halfway into the set, pete came out and fixed the monitors and the levels so we could hear what the hell we were doing, and i chilled out a little more and started playin better and not staring at my shoes :) anyways i thought the last 1/2 of the set sounded great. we got someone offering to play bass (& maybe his friend to drum) for us. i think he was experienced enough a listener to hear what was put into the music - also we had anne trippin to our stuff which was fucking cool. another mission accomplished.

hrmm so what to do with my life? everything seems to be falling into place right now and the usual hopeful but deep-down-disbelieving self seems to have given way once things have given that reassuring glimmer of hope that i have been waiting for and working for- for so long. i feel a sort of long-time-coming change has happened, but it seems to have happened less gradually than it maybe 'realistically' would- but after so much supression.
i feel like i've grown. i have a different perspective- seemingly everywhere- eyes, ears, mind, etc. it's exciting but also relieving. and i know that all the hard stuff isn't over. but i've got a reflection of progress as a faith booster/ i feel like i'm leaving finally on a journey that i've been planning for years and it's a bit scary but in a good way- the way it feels to start a new book, a new relationship, a new journey, a new road in life.
peace